What’s My Motivation?

Motivation, man. Some of us have it, some of us want it and some of us are just floundering around like a fish on dry land, gasping at any morsel of motivational oxygen that’s thrown our way.

I’m in the floundering fish camp.

Maybe it’s because I’ve still not dealt with the emotional outrage that has come from entering my 30s. Maybe my lifetime of laid-back laziness has finally seeped in to every pore. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m stuck in a rut that I just can’t be bothered to get out of. I literally shrugged as I typed that. Literally.
Shrug

This time last year, I was running three times a week. I was driven, healthy and focused. I knew who I was, in the sense of i was me but a runner. Now, not so much. I’ve got all the gear, so why can’t I just get out there?

And the thing is I want to go running again, I really do. I miss it, man. I miss it hard. I wrote a goddam love letter to it for hecks sake!

The truth is anxiety is a goddam bitch. I’ve let it squash down that part of me, smothering my drive with a snuggly blanket that I just can’t be arsed to tunnel out from under. The fear of running out doors, something I was doing on a regular basis, is real.

What if I run like an idiot?
What if I fall over?
What if I see someone I know?
What if I get hit by a car?
What if I accidentally kick duck?

These are just some of actual thoughts I’ve had. That one about the duck? Killer. What do you do if you kick a duck? Do you apologise? Do you hug it? Maybe offer it your first born? Probably not that one.

image

This duck is mad, real mad, because I kicked it's mum.

To combat it, I’ve put my foot down and said “Not today, Satan!” … albeit quietly and without actual foot putting down-age because I don’t want to cause a fuss.

I will start running again. Or maybe just walking. Either way, I’ll be going outside where there are PEOPLE and doing some form of activity. To start, yes, I will be mostly doing this at ridiculous o’clock in the morning so those people don’t see me but, GODDAM IT, I’m going to bloody do it!

To bastardise a famous quote, it’s one small step for me and one giant leap back to where I was.. but in a forwards direction.. because going backwards won’t actually help anything. You know what I mean!

Have you ever been held in the rat-like claws of a serious motivational nosedive? If you have, let me know how you kicked it’s butt in the comments.

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One thought on “What’s My Motivation?

  1. Kerri says:

    Go you for getting back out there!! My motivation is very up and down at the moment and it really does frustrate me when I want to do something one day, but then change my mind the next. I want to run today, I didn’t want to run yesterday, I hope I still want to run by the time I get home from work…

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