This was meant to be about exercise.
I’ve recently thrown myself back in to the getting fit game and it’s starting to become a regular part of my routine. Unfortunately, where the body is strong, my mind is currently week.
I never wanted to write a big blog about mental health. There are so many people out there who are so much better at putting one word in front of the other than i am. The lovely lady behind Hyperbole and a Half being a perfect example. She describes things in a way that i can only dream about.
However, recent events have led me to taking a long hard look at myself and how i deal with certain things – or don’t, more to the point! And so, we’re here – but I’ll try to keep it brief.
I was never a big fan of facebook and am one of those people who use it simply as a means to store photos.. and occasionally play Candy Crush. Other than that, it holds no interest for me. When i found twitter in 2011, it was a revelation. Suddenly i could connect with people all around the word at the touch of a button. It started slow but i eventually gained a happy collection of followers who i could easily converse with. We live in an age now where some of our closest friends can be people we’ve never met and i fall right smack in the middle of this statistic. Twitter introduced me to someone who has become a very close friend and who i finally have the pleasure of meeting soon. It also provided a basis for the fledging stages of, what is now, my relationship with my partner. Although we already knew each other in real life, and had done for years, twitter provided a place where a side of my personality could shine through that i thought had long since been lost.
On twitter, i feel that i’m quick witted and sharp. I can spend ages musing over the perfect status to fit in to those 140 characters to portray my exact feelings to the world. And this is where the problems first crept in.
Around 18-months ago, I experienced some issues which ultimately led to me deactivating my account and creating a new one. By this point, I was overly stressed with everything and was diagnosed with depression. I couldn’t sleep, i had no interest in anything and I’d become extremely paranoid. I was constantly anxious and I hated it. What had once been a safe haven and a place to talk freely, was causing me mental and physical anguish.
Since then, the way i use Twitter has changed. I’m wary of tweeting any real feelings and have blocked anyone I don’t “know”. Lately, i feel that i just can’t be myself on there anymore and i’ve noticed that it’s changed me in real life. I’m much more withdrawn nowadays, find it hard to be completely open with people and it’s dragging me down.
So this is what i’m doing. I’m leaving twitter. Not for ever but for a while. It might only be a few days, it could be weeks. Either way, i need to take time to make myself better. The important friends i’ve made on twitter, i’m now able to contact through other means. I just need to get my mental health back on track.
Hm, this escalated quickly.
I’ll keep going with this blog as I feel that it does really help to get things written down.
I promise my next will be a cheerier one. Maybe I’ll even write about exercise like i originally planned.